I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
