If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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