I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
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his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
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Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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