The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
