Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
