??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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