Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Randomize
