she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
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I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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