She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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