Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
