No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
