I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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