I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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