I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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