Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
