He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I checked into jail on foursquare
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
