Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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