just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
