Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
