when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
