Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
