i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
