I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
