Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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