I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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