She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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