I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Randomize
