that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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