My Higher Power is John Stamos
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Life without a bra equals bliss.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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