Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
