You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
