she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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