please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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