from now on my penis is your penis
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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