I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
