Define "chronic" masturbator.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
