throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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