I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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