It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
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