I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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