The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
