At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
