i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
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I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I got inside last night via doggy door
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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