trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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