Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
