where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
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brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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