The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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