I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So many bounce houses so little time
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
