So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
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I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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