Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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