Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
