I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
