Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
