so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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