You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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