I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
