Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
