I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
