did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
