Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
