I'm so fucking centered right now
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
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Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
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This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize