I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
