I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
