you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
