Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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